Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural home town and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for
him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she
suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to
bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started
packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her
enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room,
and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother"..Hubby
is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the
feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his
pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he
would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I
surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy
feeling..Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with
her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you
young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also
can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house,
our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and
hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people’s habit; slowly you will get
use to it". Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,
whenever i come home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I
told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask
each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and
she would get even more upset about it..
Hubby playfully pinched
my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price
of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our
otherwise happy lifestyle.Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early
to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house
cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is
always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend
not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with
it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's
Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish
to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of
my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon
her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all
kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on,
and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she
would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes
and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One
day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam"
she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was
placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me
for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting
cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I
do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her
once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is,
right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother
did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward
feeling hanging in the house.During that period of cold war, hubby was
caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from
having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of
preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table,
mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that
reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my
own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a
little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's
cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then
turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of
unfairness overwhelmed me..After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for
me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to
return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having
porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and
everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress
the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into
the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my
breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect,
hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire
burning in his eyes... I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I
really did not mean it.We had our very first big fight that day; mother
took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the
house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down
the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a
phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying
my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no
reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not
appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was
at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look
terrible; you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed
that I am pregnant.Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful
morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought
of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital
entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days,
but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at
him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He
followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't
know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through
my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At
that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby:
"Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me
around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in
the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even
withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed
thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and
wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening
woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling
down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence;
he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the
house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational
man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh
and tears starting streaming down again.The next day, I did not go to
work..
I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with
hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and
said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the
hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the
time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look
at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and
thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could
this happen?Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to
me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to
find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That
day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus
stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she
tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally
understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that
morning, if we had not quarreled, if.... In his heart, I am indirectly
the killer of his mother.Hubby moved into mother's room and came home
every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under
the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain
to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time,
I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of
my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a
big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had
been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by
and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock
between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't
know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed
by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and
a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair
for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment
of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and
stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at
hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and
stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me.. I can only hear my
slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. !
eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse
together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he
had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's
death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home
anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can
tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some
of his stuff.. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to
explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical
checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy
carefully helping his wife through the physical examination, My office
colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I
will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of
repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I
saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with
cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I
know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months
plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within
myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I
will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come
out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my
bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the
paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my
name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since
mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not
control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes,
but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,
facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the
blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if
I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he
repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive
him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl,
that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn
such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for
him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of
reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever
and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me
that would bring some warmth to my heart,
I am totally cold
towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any
presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed
on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks
in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in
mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of
groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick; last time, whenever
I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out
what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has
forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there
was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on
and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.Almost everyday, he
would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and
books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his
room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to
me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to
lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer
keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that
matters to me anymore.It was sometime towards the end of spring in the
following year
One late night, I screamed because of a sudden
stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not
change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me
and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and
kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the
hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into
the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a
thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much
as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in;
his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction
pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me,
eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his
hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the
floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening
that tired eyes of his....
I had thought that I would never shed
any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain
cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time
hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage
and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the
doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5
months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."I
disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home,
I went into
his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I
had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he
wrote for our son
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be
able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now....I
know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some
setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice
would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written
inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter
during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer
to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I
feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest,
daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the
one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most...." From play
school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in
dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written
there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear,
to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have
caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to
see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby.... My
dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would
smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot
give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them
to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the
packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in
coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open
your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of
your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I
press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang
through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal
misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is
gone forever...." Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted
the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having
Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with
us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a
price, everything became too late."...... ...
This is a true
story. LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENSES!!! I am totally
speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each
line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the
devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and
communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as
well as patience..... This story has really touched my heart and life
as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very
sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can
consciously start to live a life free of grudge..People please let's
live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is the key, Take greatest
and live on. share this to change someones life
From
Prince Owusu Banahene Sarkodie
#MrPobs
